You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
