why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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