If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
barbara walters just said penis...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
