the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
