I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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