I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Watching her eat just hurts me
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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