the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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