i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
