i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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