hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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