hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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