i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize