ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
