...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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