so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
