Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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