i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
