Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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