I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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