Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
