My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
