I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
