pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
