I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
