you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
