My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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