Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
