Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize