I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
