I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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