somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize