you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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