dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
