sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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