Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
