I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
