I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You took a bar mat shot.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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