god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
me + whiskey = a bad person
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize