also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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