Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
