Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Randomize
