i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
