i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
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