he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
