Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
