The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
