I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
