Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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