I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
