I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
