I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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