Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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