I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
They have beer where we have blood.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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