just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
