I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
