I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
