just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
