i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
