I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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