You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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