Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
