My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
